Almost Liberated

Cha cha cha

2011-02-02T08:26:00.000+08:00

Am very huffy with Jack, he is insisting on coming on proper date with Paul. He’s acting like it’s not a date and is JUST drinks! Bloody smart-ass.

“Date? What gave you that idea?” He laughed
“This is not high school Jack he doesn’t have to say ‘Oooh Sara will you come on a date with me?”
“Ok then, but why ask me on ‘the date’?”
“He was only being polite – he doesn’t really want YOU there ”
“Well he can tell me himself then can’t he?” he said, all cocky and English.

Am now wondering if it’s possible to LOCK shithead in bathroom for entirety of date?

Anyway, had successful shopping day and found fabulous red spaghetti-strap dress with Latin dancing theme – will look like spicy Cha Cha dancer (except cannot Cha Cha). Once I have the miracle bra, I will be desirable, busty dance partner. Can’t wait for my miracle bra and the new me!

Cop date.

2011-01-31T10:01:00.000+08:00

I Think Paul has just asked me on an official date!!

He said “Would you like to come out for a few drinks on Friday?” Was done in a very casual manner, as was also asking Jack. But did look directly at me when he said ‘you’.

Because this is a very important and sexy date, I shall ask Jack to refuse the invite or else be my driver and then piss off once at the pub.

Also, have ordered new miracle bra filled with baby oil – will make me into beautiful and sought-after model type . Am hoping desperately that it arrives before proper date.

Will now telephone Jess and organize shopping trip for cop-date.

8 am

2011-01-28T10:00:00.000+08:00

Am very tired, but have managed to hide dopey eyes (window to soul), with heavy handed kohl applicaton. Think might have achieved dark-haired Bridget Bardot look. Just have to fix hair, then will take Lily to school.

5 am

2011-01-28T09:59:00.000+08:00

Had trouble sleeping. Am sick of job, Lynn and being alone. Cannot stand idea of being celibate old maid.

Food whore

2011-01-27T09:57:00.000+08:00

Due to soulmate debacle, have been ignoring Jack and treating him like distant, unpopular relative. I suspect he may be regretting his double-crossing ways, as he keeps offering help with household chores and heavy lifting duties (wet clothes basket).

Also, Paul keeps casting rougish blue eyes in direction of my house – causing impure thoughts and hopes that sexy law enforcer might be doing stake-out on me.

Had lunch with Jess, but was really annoyed as Lynn spotted us in the café and jostled her telepathic ass into a seat. She then ordered EXACTLY what I was going to order. I stared at her speechless. She pretended to smile, all innocent and peachy.

“I know” She chuckled “I’m a little piggy” Did she just call me Piggy?
“No! No! You’re so skinny” Jess protested.
“I normally don’t have time for such a big meal” Lynn oozed, looking directly at me. Yup - She called me pig.

Decided then, that I would have to order roots and leaves to debunk food-whore reputation. Spent the rest of the day regretting eating like small underfed rabbit and thinking of large meaty sausage I would devour on the way home.

Shitty Destiny

2011-01-25T09:56:00.000+08:00

Have lost control of destiny and life. Cannot believe I stayed up until after midnight drinking and talking to Jack. Not only am I no closer to having a properly planned destiny, but I have taken to leaking confidential information when under the influence of alcohol, like telling Jack that I think Paul is my soulmate. Arrgh.

Was then very shocked when I arrived home from work, to see Jack and Paul talking to each other over the fence. Felt like running over and shouting at them not to talk to each other when I’m not present. Instead went inside and tried to peer through blinds in lounge room to see or hear if they were talking about me. Was only able to see them laughing and have best of time – probably talking about soulmate shit.

When telepathists go bad

2011-01-24T09:54:00.000+08:00

Saturday was complete let-down. Spent all my money on expensive meats and curly salad stuff only to find out Paul couldn’t make it. Jess, Rick and Jack all thought I was caring and lavish hostess, when really was just very irresponsible and poor woman.

Also, Jess is like an out of control teenager. She is staring starry-eyed at Jack all the time and laughing at unfunny jokes - she also sat opposite him at dinner table. Am concerned for her spousal realtions and will try to discourage any future Jack-worship. Although, will be no easy task, as Rick can be a boring old fart.

Got awful fright from Lynn today, as she has taken to sneaking up behind me and doing sly telepathetic readings. Was informed that I must be very wary of someone close to me who is holding me back and will only end up hurting me. She said I need to break free from them if I am ever to find happiness. This surely is breach of other-worldly code or telepathists ethic? Am I truly destined to be lonely old maid without a friend in the world?

Anyway, although scared to directly confront underhanded telepathist, was sufficiently pissed to send ‘go to hell’ vibe for rest of day.

Spoke to Jess on the phone and she said not worry, because I’m in charge of my own destiny, I can change any prophesy that Lynn makes, even if it were true. She also asked if Jack was home.

As such, will now take charge of my destiny. Will have drink and plan own destiny tonight.

The Englishman

2011-01-21T09:52:00.000+08:00

Despite best efforts to be good friend, walked right past oldest friend in world at airport. Forgot 10 years had passed and was looking for awkward and lanky scruff ….. Got fright of life when tall mysterious Englishman called my name. Even with new la-di-da voice, I knew straight away it was Jack. Did awkward airport kiss-n-hug thing – as felt like villager grabbing member of royal family.

Ended up having very late night, due to Jack being on British time, and insisting on cracking funny jokes in snotty English accent. Am very tired today.

Invited Jess and Rick for bbq tonight. Was possibly not best idea, as Jess is going ga-ga at thought of seeing Jack again. Am not going to worry about it, will surely pass.

Wonder if Paul is home tonight? Would be polite to ask him to bbq.

Mad.

2011-01-20T09:51:00.000+08:00

Left the house this morning feeling hot and heady due to sight of bronzed, muscular figure shoveling soil into wheelbarrow next door. When dropping Lily to school, was able to smile cheerily at rugged gardener, despite wearing pitiful fat pants and fighting impulse to rub hand on strong, but dirty arm.

Due to such brazen flesh flaunting, spent rest of morning in house devising legitimate reasons to wander outside dressed in favourite mini-skirt. Was able to parade to mailbox when letters arrived, but wasted effort on postman with handlebar moustache, as Paul was not there when I went out.

Have come to conclusion that I must be very immature or mad, as only teenager or mental person would act like that and not do chores to prepare for oldest friend in world.

Will now have to face Jack (oldest friend) with smutty/sick house and mind. Ugh. Must go to airport now. Am going to fill head with clean thoughts and focus on being good friend.

Wonder is it good or bad that soulmate missed mini-skirt display?

Dreamy meat...

2011-01-19T09:51:00.000+08:00

Am over the moon and suspect that Paul is probable soulmate. Apart from his culinary brilliance, he is also witty, brave and good with children – have only ever before seen these qualities in labrabor retrievers.

Have been reliving night over and over again in head. Wish I could delete part where I polish-off chicken pasta from man-size platter and then discover I ate soulmates dinner. Apart from eating accident, was perfect night.

Also, nearly forgot oldest friend in world is arriving tomorrow.

Other world stuff

2011-01-18T09:50:00.000+08:00

Best friend Jess says invite to dinner proves Paul is man-slut. Am now very confused. How do you tell these things?

Also, Lynn at work did unsolicited reading of psyche today and informed me soul mate is looking for me. Was pleasantly surprised by psychic probing, and asked her what he looked like, so I might recognize him should I be behind him at the supermarket queue. She said I will know him when I meet him. Am now wondering where and who he is.

“How can you tell if someone is your soulmate?” I asked her
“No one knows for sure, just look for the man that makes you smile”
“Ha! That could be anyone!” I scoffed
“No it can’t – you’ll know when it’s him”

Was obviously getting nowhere with other world, so answered ringing telephone. Either Lynn is holding out on me or other world is fucking with her.

Anyway, have decided will have dinner at Paul’s tonight as am lazy cow as well as horrid cook. Will go for casual ‘I look like this all the time look’. Which, is much like the ‘I don’t wear make-up’ application of cosmetics. It’s hard work and often goes unnoticed. Men have it so easy.

6 PM

2011-01-17T09:48:00.000+08:00

Was very wrong to call sexy police officer bad and dirty names. Has just come over and asked how I am after terrible party fall. Had gone to trouble of picking best rose from garden across road as token of peace. Says he’s sorry we didn’t spend much time together at the party. I believe he was genuine, as he invited me and Lily to dinner tomorrow night.

I take back my harsh judgement. A man-slut would not do that – especially in police uniform.

The man-slut

2011-01-17T09:47:00.000+08:00

Did not die yesterday from alcoholism. But am now able to fully remember all sordid and unsordid details.

Was unable to fully execute grand entrance as crowd was very thick and hard to move through. Also, some crowd members were rude and suggestive, therefore ruining effect. Was not big deal, because Paul was nowhere to be seen.

I made myself comfortable near table with finger foods and punch, and felt like summery, yet doleful wallflower in fifties movie. Was enjoying second glass of rather delectable punch and third party size sausage roll, when I saw him. He was outside. Not wanting to appear as rude party glutton or sausage roll hog, quickly wolfed down remainder of punch and ran to back door.

Decided to sexily shimmy past party host as if having time of life - all by myself. Was halfway through sexy shimmy and about two metres from target when I lost my footing and threw self to floor like undignified groupie.
“Whoa! That’s some dance move you got there” Paul said reaching his hand down to me. After grabbing hand and noticing how big and strong it was, I realized a giggling ginger wench had attached herself to the other half of his body. Red-faced and grazed knee-ed, I politely thanked Paul, gave carrot top a death stare and then headed for the drinks table.

In ridiculous attempt to appear attractive, fun and steady on my feet, I embarked on talkathon with any person passing drinks table. Soon discovered the place was crawling with the fuzz. There was a guy from the canine squad, a homicide detective, a traffic patrol guy, a marching band cop (?) and a water police constable. None of other law officers had ginger-ho attached to arm or anywhere else on body and hence eventually cheered me up. Especially when I won very competitive karaoke contest.

By end of night, had realized:

Must have beautiful singing voice or would not have been voted best performer at party.
Is highly likely Paul is man-slut, as acted like man-slut all night.
Delectable punch was in fact delectable due to high alcohol content.

As such, will no longer obsess, fantasize or have bikini dreams about hot bod Paul.

Ouch

2011-01-16T09:44:00.000+08:00

Arrgh – my head hurts. Have decided will never drink alcohol again. Also will not starve myself of sleep anymore. Will sleep all day to catch up on bad sleeping habits.

7.30pm

2011-01-15T09:43:00.000+08:00

Can hear party music next door. It’s now evident Paul is having mass gathering of possibly hundreds, including lots of scantily clad harlots – God, could he have hired a troupe of stippers? Will need extra drink before heading over and making grand unapproachable entrance.

Party Preparations

2011-01-15T09:41:00.000+08:00

Yipee! Woke very excited due to pending party with men in blue, used excess energy to burn fat and unused thigh muscle via walking. Was very pleased with result of three wolf whistles and two waves from truck drivers – who nearly crashed (not sure is so good).

Had long talk with Tony the hairdresser about what men want, and was informed there are two types of men; The Visual Man who is basically impressed by things such as ample bosoms, dress and knicker size, and absence of visible cellulite. Then there’s The Intellectual Man, who’s looking for a woman with substance, class and a PHD. Am now totally depressed and certain will never be able to fully satisfy any man. Although, apparently my new bed-head hair will bring even the strongest man to his knee’s. Spent condsiderable part of day looking at hair in mirror and wondering who the fuck wakes up with hair like this?

Despite sought after bed-hair, the weather has turned to absolute shit and will possibly cause me to look like stupid ass and icicle. As such, I will have two drinks before arrival at party - for warming effect, and will take cardigan along and drape over arm in a manner that does not hide fabulous summer dress.

Also, have decided will arrive fashionably late. Will make grand Scarlett O’Hara type entrance and toss bed-head around seductively whilst doing model walk learnt in grade seven from Jess (She did two classes at the local modeling school). Will hopefully achieve unapproachably beautiful status that models speak of, causing Paul to approach me in case of other law officers capturing me first.

Thank God it was a dream

2011-01-14T09:39:00.000+08:00

Saw Paul in his driveway on the way to work this morning. Was very strong and managed to refrain from throwing self at the world’s hottest law enforcement officer. Only offered him polite smile in hope of igniting raging flame of love or lust for me. Ashamed to admit am now using mum’s ‘treat them mean and keep them keen’ philosophy, but felt very proud all the same, as he was vagrantly flaunting his sex-pot uniform and gun holster.

Am slightly upset at a strange dream I had in which I am imprisoned in a gaol cell in my bikini. Paul’s there doing paperwork and other police stuff - just ignoring me, like I’m a fat criminal. Thank God it was only a dream.

Also, had lunch with Lynn at work today. Was impossible to avoid as she followed me through the shopping mall. Spent entire lunch break talking shit, as was absolutely terrified if I gave her time to focus she would see gaol dream in mind and tell me I was desperate bikini slut. Very tired by end of lunch. So glad lunch was over.

Was very happy when Eric picked up Lily after school today, as he informed me he and the nanny-whore were having troubles. Will have mini-celebration toast tonight to rejoice in ex-husband’s doomed post marital relationships.

Free Spirit

2011-01-13T09:38:00.000+08:00

Have decided I will now be free spirit, as Lynn at work has apparently been picking up vibes of confusion and despair from me. Not sure why she would get that idea, but am slightly concerned as cannot hide anything from mind-reading know-it-all. Suspect she may be reading my coffee cups after I use them, as such, will now make sure I wash everything I use – including teaspoons.

I can confirm Jess is obsessed with oldest friend in world and my future house guest. Wants to know exact words in email and has offered to give him Rick’s home office if I have no room for him. Is possibly stuck in 1990 when she dated him for two months in high school.

Also am very good mother, as spared Lily from years of shame and taunting by dousing her in enough chemicals to prove clean and school worthy today.

Am so excited about Saturday, was able to walk 4 kilometres after coffee with Jess. Will soon be sought after svelte little vixen. Can’t wait.

Itchy and Scratchy

2011-01-12T09:36:00.000+08:00

I am now officially the town louse-breeder - thanks to my beautifully clean and hygienic child announcing itchy headedness to class teacher, who then announced it to the headmistress. As such, it was recommended I pick her up to avoid a mass infestation of the entire school and surrounding community.

Quality time spent de-lousing Lily made me realize what’s important in life. As such, have decided two new rules:

Will stop Lily using my hairbrush.
Will forget about men and dating for a while.

As if to test my new resolution, Paul called around to invite me to a party at his house on Saturday night. Was very excited to see such raw manliness at front door, and as such, forgot I had foaming Lice killer on my head and completely forgot about new not dating rule. Will consider starting it next week - after the party.

Also, Jess is asking lots of questions about oldest friend in world. Wonder if Rick is pissing her off now he’s forty. Will probe her more when we have coffee tomorrow.

SHIT

2011-01-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

Realise for second time in whole life that I have turned into boring, lonely old cow. Will be very busy now getting skinny, cleaning house and finding appropriate boyfriend in eight days.

Oh and must remember to call Eric before it rains.

Good News Day

2011-01-11T00:24:00.000+08:00

Have fabulous news today. Am thrilled as oldest friend in the world is coming home next week after ten years in England. Has asked to stay with me for a few weeks while getting set up. Am very excited and as such, did frenzied dance around lounge room to ‘Flashdance’ song on radio, and also managed to move three heavy boxes of Eric’s from the spare room into the garden in preparation for arrival of long lost high school friend.

Downside is I only have until next Thursday - that’s only seven days not including today and Wednesday.

Serial Dater

2011-01-06T18:37:00.002+08:00

Have realised that attempts to find good, strong and sexy men have resulted in horrid serial dating behaviour. Over the past year, have made total fool of self with binge dating. As a result, in 2011 I will:

Only date extremely spunky male members of species
Stop getting drunk before date picks me up
Not care if Paul (neighbour) has a bevy of sexy vixens traipsing in and out his house at all hours.
Stop Lily from talking to said neighbour about my dates.

Also, must stop asking Lynn, the psychic at work if every date is my dream date

My inner eye

2010-07-12T08:21:00.000+08:00

I have an interview at the new-age shop tomorrow. Lily has been mocking me upon discovery of this and the fact that I must try to summon my inner eye and connect with my higher self. Despite her wearing a bandana and constantly pretending someone called ‘mother earth’ is on the phone for me, I’ve still managed to reach deep, semi-conscious levels of meditation that feel much like sleep.

Indecent thoughts of the local law enforcer are possibly interfering with my summoning of the gift. Having not spotted his perfectly toned bod ALL weekend, has had the effect of propelling him to sex-god status, causing my inner eye to become extremely distracted. To combat this, I have decided to only drink herbal tea until the interview, thus cleansing my impure mind.

Speaking of impurity, Eric is safe and well clear of any cliffs. He only wanted to change arrangements for Lily this weekend.

Lily the Snitch

2010-07-07T21:07:00.001+08:00

It’s possible I no longer possess decent-man dating qualities. I spent almost the entire of Friday morning reliving the horrible date and have now made a resolve – I will never subject myself to that again. Therefore, I need to consider, either celibacy, lesbianism or nunnery.

To make things worse, Lily has informed me that she’s given ALL the sordid details of my date to Paul, who she’s obviously mistaken for the dating police. I must stop that child playing in the street.

As far as jobs go, a friend of mine has told me of a vacancy at a new-age thingamajiggy shop, I’ve always wondered if I have The Gift.....if I have a connection with the other-side. Somehow, I sense they only want gifted ones, so I’ll give them a call.

I still can’t get Eric. The cliff thing would be really sad.

Daniel the touchy feely jerk!

2010-07-01T22:14:00.001+08:00

Despite angelic and lulling accounting-type qualities, tall Dan also exhibited a very, very dirty streak. Put bluntly, he’s a groper. If he was somewhat shorter and had a set of handcuffs or a riot outfit, then I might have been able to tolerate the following:

Grown man drooling
Speaking to my ample and perky bosoms as if they were the only ones in the room.
Making weird and spooky tongue contortions in an attempt to sexually lure me or the waitress.
Attempting to spoon HIS dessert into my mouth.
Him loudly referring to his manhood as “the probe” (who does that?).

As such, will now only refer to him as dirty Dan or filthy fucker.

Eric phoned and left a message, have not been able to reach him yet - maybe I won’t need to, because he’s fallen off a cliff or something (that would be sad).

Hopefully if he fell he left his wallet behind, because the bills are mounting up and I have now taken to ignoring the phone or getting Lily to answer in a fake Chinese accent. I will definitely need to look for a job this weekend, or find a non-perverted rich man.

Fetch

2010-06-29T18:59:00.001+08:00

Lily has taken to throwing balls of all sizes and nature over the fence, possibly causing the neighbourhood eye-candy to suspect foul play and forcing him to haul his sexy-assed body over to my front door with Lily’s tennis ball in hand.

“Hi, your daughter lost her ball – again” He says grinning and hands me the ball.
It’s then I realize I have a total loss of cerebral function and mumble “Oh” - Oh? Fucking OH? Is that it? Is this what’s become of me since Eric left?

“Um, yeah, just thought I’d let you know, it’s ok for her to just go out back and get it without asking – no need to keep knocking on the door” Now he’s going on like we’re a pair of pests!
“Sorry, I’ll make sure she doesn’t disturb you again” I tried to give my best I don’t give a shit look .

He looked like he had something else to say, but didn’t - probably because he now thinks I’m an absolute fucking twit. So in true twit manner, I watched ga-ga as he flashed one of those sexiest man in a uniform smiles and left.

So I went inside and wallowed in self-pity with a family size bag of Smarties, whilst I thought of quirky, intelligent things I would have said if I was quirky and intelligent.

Tomorrow’s date is still on, despite my misgivings about the height of Dan the accountant. Jess is lending me the highest heels anyone ever owned and babysitting Lily.

Now all I have to do is try and remember what Dan’s face looks like.

Composure and Grace (Pre-Party)

2010-06-29T18:42:00.007+08:00

Well, am devastated at quality of pictures and dishevelled look of self in pictures.

However did manage to find half decent pic that managed to hide over-sized ass.

Am forever grateful to my sweet Lily for this!

Due to fragile ego and survival of the fittest and all that shit - I will refrain from publishing further party photo's.

Party Twat

2010-06-28T22:13:00.002+08:00

Despite my best efforts, I was an absolute party twat.

Only freakishly tall accountants over the age of forty were lining up to dance with me. Leaving me no choice but to feign a foot injury and consume large quantities of wine. My miracle bra did little to attract the only handsome non-accounting male at the party, therefore I was forced to stand close to him and make a date with a passing 45 year old accountant in an attempt to appear popular and date-worthy.

I guzzled a whole bottle of wine and then fumbled with my key in the door at 2am on Sunday morning. Cursing and banging my head also failed to open the door – scantily clad bare-chested policeman WAS able to open the door due to it being HIS door.

I now appear to be a drunken harlot who picks neighbours locks at night.

The sexy muscle cop has apparently reported me to Lily, as she has told me at dinner on Sunday that I shouldn’t come home so late, otherwise people will talk about me - that child knows too much.

With date looming on Wednesday I must :
Find a babysitter, as nanny-rooter Eric has prior engagements (Possibly swingers night?).
Stop repeatedly fantasizing about being cuffed and arrested in my bikini.
Find super high stilettos, so as to reach at least chin height of my date.
Practice staying awake when people use accounting terms in everyday speech.

- Also, promise to post photo's as soon I upload them on to PC and figure out how to put them on blog!

Party Day

2010-06-26T11:25:00.000+08:00

I’m sickend to my core.

The visitor last night was his mother….. He fed his mother an aphrodisiac cake – Oh Lord help him.

On a brighter more normal subject, the party is tonight. I’ve found the best Audrey Hepburn style shoes and will possibly be “very breakfast at Tiffany’s”.

Look out bachelors Sara is single and she’s on her way – and she’s wearing a miracle bra.

Lady Caller

2010-06-25T19:14:00.000+08:00

Oh my God. I can’t believe this, he’s got a visitor next door.

All I saw was the back of a womans head going around the corner into his house.
I’m fighting the urge to march over and knock on the door and demand my cake back.

Neighbourly welcome.

2010-06-25T12:59:00.000+08:00

Arrgh! The last shopping day before the party.

Still not a fancy kitten heel shoe in sight, although I do have a new lust for life, passion and the longing to be in the muscular arms of a hunky woman-lovin’ man. This is due to the following:

Seeing that bastard ex of mine in a brand new car, possibly gained through illegal means (ie.by pimpimg his nanny-whore).
Having to constantly witness blatent displays of raw masculine talent in a police uniform.
The hell bent desire to at least make it to second base with a delicious man (other than Eric) before I turn 35 (or at least have someone want to make it to second base with me).

Also Lily was really annoyed with me because I baked a cake for the uniformed hunk and generously sprinkled it with horny goat weed (despite it’s aphrodisiac qualities this wasn’t my intention). I only baked it to welcome him and make him feel accepted and wanted in the neighbourhood. Despite my good intentions, Lily said it was a really try hard thing to do(what would she know in the ways of the world, she’s only 10).

Also I’ve set a very strict agenda for this afternoon: Shopping for shoes, relaxing facials and half a bottle of wine to prepare myself for any worthy bachelors I may meet tomorrow night.

The Sexiest Man with a Pistol

2010-06-24T19:21:00.001+08:00

The sexiest man alive has moved next door. I was caught gawking open-mouthed out of my lounge room window – without miracle bra. Possibly mouthed the word ‘fuck’ when he saw me, giving the impression of a wonderless harlot.

Lily has already spoken with him, and managed to find out that :

1. He’s a Police Officer.
2. He has noticed my broken tail light.
3. His name is Paul.
4. He’s lives on his own.

What Lily didn’t notice was:

1. His hunky man muscles bulging out of his tight t-shirt.
2. His rampant availability due to him being single.

If such overt sexy behaviour does not cease immediately. I shall be forced to cancel all other plans and sit and spy on him from my lounge room window.

Distractions

2010-06-23T19:19:00.000+08:00

I had a very near miss today with a removal truck in my driveway, possibly due to my miracle/wonder bra distracting me. Lily said she saw a man in a police uniform next door. So, my new neighbour is either a police man or a crack head that the police are on to.

With my luck, if he’s a cop, he’ll pull me up in my own driveway for bald tyres and a broken tail light.

Apart from the near miss, my miracle bra is doing fantastic things. The following has happened since I first wore the miracle:

Lily choked on her Weetbix when I walked out this morning.
I got all green lights on the way to the shops.
A man at least 2 years younger than me offered his place in the supermarket queue (possibly expected quick squeeze in return).

The only problem is I may have triggered lesbian tendencies in Lily’s teacher, as she could not stop gazing at my ample bosom this morning.

Jess has confirmed there will be 7 single men and 11 single women at the party, however, she was unsure if the other women also had miracle bras.

I’m thinking very seriously about a job, I’ll keep my eyes open and look in the weekend classifieds.

Also, have still not found strappy sexy party shoes.

My Miracle

2010-06-22T17:27:00.000+08:00

I am possibly the dumbest 34 year old on the planet. Also, possibly the only 34 year old who’s never used a miracle bra. With new amazingly pert bosoms, I now look at least four years younger and expect to have to turn down men much younger than me at the party.

I even managed to find a fantastic "little black dress” -LBD -to cover my newly perky bosom. The LBD also adequately conceals my larger than necessary rear. Even Lily, my 10 year old fashion guru was impressed with my loot.

There’s just a few more things I need to do :

Get vampishly sexy hairstyle.
Buy strappy, devil-may-care looking heels.
Make sure lying bastard Eric picks Lily up later on Saturday, so as to see deliciously sexy ex-wife ready to leave for party full of eligible and handsome bachelors.
Confirm with Jess how many of the Bachelors are indeed handsome.

Pretty Mummy

2010-06-21T20:36:00.000+08:00

I am destined to be a fashion mistake, because there is nothing in this entire city for me to wear to the party, not one single dress, or fancy skirt....nothing.

I'll probably have to cancel party plans, as I cannot possibly show my face at a party, knowing that bachelors of all ages, are checking me out, when I am so un-with-it.

When did I become a divorced freak with a wardrobe from the 80's, and more importanty - why?

Lily is very sweet and possibly wiser than me.

'Mummy, you should be happy with who you are, not what you look like, but you're very pretty still,'

'Get over here and give me a kiss, you're a smart girl,'
'Anyway Mummy you can buy a miracle bra and a tight pair of gurdle knickers if you want some lift.'

'Oh, really? You know about these things? You're only 10.'
'Mum, stop being so silly.'

So now I need to add a miracle bra to my list, so I can be perfect for the party. I will give the dress hunt one last try, after first making a good offering to the shopping gods.

Oh My God!

2010-06-19T16:24:00.001+08:00

Celebratory burning ceremony was brilliant, I woke feeling emotionally exhilarated and fully equipped to deal with new life.

Hair is a little stinky today, nothing a good wash won’t fix. Perhaps went a tad overboard when I threw Eric's CD’s into the fire, he did plan on picking them up this weekend. Oh well – tough.

Also, I possibly drank too much and might have ruined relationship with elderly neighbour by repeatedly saying 'Fuck him,' very loudly in back yard – at 2am.

Jess is throwing an enormous 40th for Rick on Saturday and has insisted I attend. First of all, arrgh....I cannot believe my best friend's husband is 40, almost a collector's item now.

Also parties are fine for married happy people, with good clothes and tight little bottoms, but what about me. I have nothing to wear, no partner, and an ass so large it's sending me into clinical depression.

At present my choice of clothing for the party consists of a very short silver dress that I purchased in the eighties when I was sexy (apart from that big hair), or a red frock, possibly handed down by a distant aunt who used it for Saturday night dances.

Why don't I have a little black dress like normal women.

I'm also getting an 'auctioned meat' feeling about the whole party, as Jess is hell bent on lining me up with eligible bachelors.
'Come on Sara, these guys are gorgeous, just come and meet them,'
'Jess, I cannot believe this, you're supposed to be my best friend, not a pimp.'
'Fine, then just come and we'll pretend we never had this conversation.'

Hmmm.

So now I have exactly six days to find the perfect dress, a man and some magical slimming spell that will shake a few kilos off my butt. Otherwise, I am sure to be taunted with phrases like, 'hey nice to meet you, you're the first wall flower I've met in many years,' or 'wow you bring real meaning to the word fashion freak,' or worse still, 'is that lard on your ass or have you borrowed someone else's.'

To remedy this, I must :

Look for a slimming, youthful, dress that isn't silver or twenty years old.
Practice my best 'I am so beautiful I don't need a man' look.
Practise ways to stand so no one can see my wobbily ass.
Accept there may have been good reason Eric screwed the sluttish babysitter.

Liberation

2010-06-18T22:32:00.007+08:00

Today is a special day.

It's our one year anniversary - Anniversary of the bastard leaving with the shameless hussy, who also called herself the nanny.

What kind of man does that? What kind of nanny does that? I've learned a lot in this past year. Things I've learned: Men are bastards Nanny's (especially busty blonde ones) can become whores at the drop of a hat Wine is a great companion Chocolate will make my butt larger no matter how much I regret devouring it. I read a wonderful quote, 'make this day the first in the rest of your life,' so I shall. No more whining, no more hating that nanny-slut, now I am finding me, as well as a job, a male nanny to care for Lily, and a brand new haircut. Jess, my know-it-all best friend, suggested a burning ceremony, to rid my life of all empty memories.

‘Oh goodie - we can burn those god awful wedding photo’s of yours’ She said raising a brow ‘I mean no one looked good in the eighties – right?’

‘I suppose’ I said, thinking back to how gloriously slim and youthful I looked on my wedding day.

So tonight we shall drink wine and burn wedding photos. It's time to move on, albeit with the knowledge that nannies with big boobs can't be trusted. Tonight, I'm toasting my liberation.

To the new me!