Almost Liberated

Am possibly stupidest woman on earth. Have told horrific, big lie at work – have said I have besotted and handsome boyfriend who bugs me and rings me constantly.

Am feeling as if people like Susie (curly/bubbly blonde accounts girl) and Anne (aka office dragon) are doubting me ( which really they have good reason to considering I am 30-something fat liar).

They are, no doubt expecting I will have no boyfriend at the Christmas in July party next weekend.

Hmmph . Stupid cows…. .

...Shit. SHIT.

Was unable to start rigid exercise plan today, due to cold temperatures and getting up late. Did however, manage buttock squeezes in car on the way to work. Refuse to give up for sake of boyfriend, despite not having one yet.

Am getting very sick at sight of dreary old self in mirror - need to somehow revamp image. Is shame hair is crispy strawball or would have taken quick fix and dyed shit out of it.

Also, am now acting like fattish step mother by forgetting Ella’s playdate this afternoon and instead indulging in long but important phone conversation with Jess about Nazi antics of Anne the office manager at work.

Have rescheduled playdate for tomorrow much to Ella’s delight.

Have been very busy setting up fancy new profession, am now working in posh car dealership as receptionist (is only stepping-stone job, will use to boost self up corporate ladder). At least am far away from stupid cow Lynn.

Also, have finally decided that Paul, whilst sexy , is not soul mate material. Have wasted enough time on frivolous and steamy fantasies concerning unlawful arrests, handcuffs and naked backyard romps. Will now focus on the ‘inner-beauty’ in prospective boyfriends, unless of course prospective boyfriend is cromagnum man, in which case will again consider becoming celibate nun…. Or maybe lesbian nun.

In order to avoid nun plan, will start exercise regime in next day or so and soon be beautiful and sought after girlfriend-type.

Have had very exhausting festive season. Jess’s party was boring married couple affair. As such, boho look was unsuccessful and possibly made me look like juicy vintage tart. In attempt to appear untartly and wanted, stayed close to Jack and pretended to happily marrieds that he was my boyfriend (was done only when he was not looking and in hushed voice).

Was very pleased on Christmas day, to find out that Paul is no longer dating fantasy Barbie, perhaps will have fantastic 2006 with sexy and strong REAL boyfriend. Although am still not sure what special something he had for me - Maybe the fat turkey he bought with him on Christmas day?

Have still not finalized all New Years resolution, but so far I’ve decided to :

Work on general ass and stomach reduction.
To find a new career – away from evil-Lynn.
To prove to fuckwitt Eric that I am still attractive and wanted by men – even if not him.
To cut wine consumption down to weekends ONLY. Oh and weeknights when dating, stressed or depressed.
To be spend more time doing stuff with Ella

As such, will now go to movies with my darling daughter.

Have had very positive day. Tony is a true artiste. I almost love him. Well, more specifically, I love his tools and what they can do for wild unruly hair types. Even saw Lynn at shops and was pleased when her witchy jaw hit the ground as I tossed and flicked new locks about. Bet she never saw that in her crystal ball.

Tony was very good and asked if I was a size 8 as his sister has some clothes she no longer wants – was able to refuse politely without informing him of larger, less appealing and petite frame. Am very pleased, must carry weight extremely well.

Extra confidence, has caused me to go boho fashion tonight… Am wearing very short skirt and lots of layers as well as large chunky assessories. Just hope can still walk in very high wedge sandals after alcohol consumption by end of night.

Jack is calling – he’s started the car – have to go!

Jess is having a huge Christmas party at her house on Friday. As such, have decided, I will forget about dismal ass, thighs and muffin-stomach, in order to enjoy seasonal festivities. Is no use being boring as well as fat.

Also, will go see Tony the hairdresser tomorrow – Yes, will make my hair my best and most valued asset.

Am very disappointed. Worked countless hours on cellulite, and still have large and fattish mummy thighs. Also noticed my stomach is getting doughy, over flowing muffin-like appearance. Have resolved to never look at unsightly flaws in awful fucking mirror again. Am getting depressed, will ask Jack to remove light globe in bathroom.

Summer is here, but without the sun. Am not sure I can handle a bleak and dark summer. Feel like curling into juicy fat ball and hibernating - Oh God, I can’t take this shitty weather anymore.

Due to artic summer, I shall have nothing decent to wear to Christmas dinner. Will most likely end up wearing warm comfortable granny ensemble. Which would be fine if Paul wasn’t hauling his sexy ass over – apparently he has something for me. Although, am only marginally excited about the something, as he still has life-sized slutty Barbie attached to his arm most days.

Can hardly expect anything special for me.