Almost Liberated

Am over the moon and suspect that Paul is probable soulmate. Apart from his culinary brilliance, he is also witty, brave and good with children – have only ever before seen these qualities in labrabor retrievers.

Have been reliving night over and over again in head. Wish I could delete part where I polish-off chicken pasta from man-size platter and then discover I ate soulmates dinner. Apart from eating accident, was perfect night.

Also, nearly forgot oldest friend in world is arriving tomorrow

Best friend Jess says invite to dinner proves Paul is man-slut. Am now very confused. How do you tell these things?

Also, Lynn at work did unsolicited reading of psyche today and informed me soul mate is looking for me. Was pleasantly surprised by psychic probing, and asked her what he looked like, so I might recognize him should I be behind him at the supermarket queue. She said I will know him when I meet him. Am now wondering where and who he is.

“How can you tell if someone is your soulmate?” I asked her
“No one knows for sure, just look for the man that makes you smile”
“Ha! That could be anyone!” I scoffed
“No it can’t – you’ll know when it’s him”

Was obviously getting nowhere with other world, so answered ringing telephone. Either Lynn is holding out on me or other world is fucking with her.

Anyway, have decided will have dinner at Paul’s tonight as am lazy cow as well as horrid cook. Will go for casual ‘I look like this all the time look’. Which, is much like the ‘I don’t wear make-up’ application of cosmetics. It’s hard work and often goes unnoticed. Men have it so esay.

Was very wrong to call sexy police officer bad and dirty names. Has just come over and asked how I am after terrible party fall. Had gone to trouble of picking best rose from garden across road as token of peace. Says he’s sorry we didn’t spend much time together at the party. I believe he was genuine, as he invited me and Ella to dinner tomorrow night.

A man-slut would not do that – especially in police uniform.

Did not die yesterday from alcoholism. But am now able to fully remember all sordid and unsordid details.

Was unable to fully execute grand entrance as crowd was very thick and hard to move through. Also, some crowd members were rude and suggestive, therefore ruining effect. Was not big deal, because Paul was nowhere to be seen.

I made myself comfortable near table with finger foods and punch, and felt like summery, yet doleful wallflower in fifties movie. Was enjoying second glass of rather delectable punch and third party size sausage roll, when I saw him. He was outside. Not wanting to appear as rude party glutton or sausage roll hog, quickly wolfed down remainder of punch and ran to back door.

Decided to sexily shimmey past party host as if having time of life - all by myself. Was halfway through sexy shimmey and about two metres from target when I lost my footing and threw self to floor like undignified groupie.

“Whoa! That’s some dance move you got there” Paul said reaching his hand down to me. After grabbing hand and noticing how big and strong it was, I realized a giggling ginger wench had attached herself to the other half of his body. Red-faced and grazed knee-ed, I politely thanked Paul, gave carrot top a death stare and then headed for the drinks table.

In ridiculous attempt to appear attractive, fun and steady on my feet, I embarked on talkathon with any person passing drinks table. Soon discovered the place was crawling with the fuzz. There was a guy from the canine squad, a homicide detective, a traffic patrol guy, a marching band cop (?) and a water police constable. None of other law officers had ginger-ho attached to arm or anywhere else on body and hence eventually cheered me up. Especially when I won very competitive karaoke contest.

By end of night, had realized:

Must have beautiful singing voice or would not have been voted best performer at party.
Is highly likely Paul is man-slut, as acted like man-slut all night.
Delectable punch was in fact delectable due to high alcohol content.

As such, will no longer obsess, fantasize or have bikini dreams about hot bod Paul.

Arrgh – my head hurts. Have decided will never drink alcohol again. Also will not starve myself of sleep anymore. Will sleep all day to catch up on bad sleeping habits.

Can hear party music next door. It’s now evident Paul is having mass gathering of possibly hundreds, including lots of scantily clad harlots – God, could he have hired a troupe of stippers?

Will need extra drink before heading over and making grand unapproachable entrance.

Yipee! Woke very excited due to pending party with men in blue, used excess energy to burn fat and unused thigh muscle via walking. Was very pleased with result of three wolf whistles and two waves from truck drivers – who nearly crashed (not sure is so good).

Had long talk with Tony the hairdresser about what men want, and was informed there are two types of men; The Visual Man who is basically impressed by things such as ample bosoms, dress and knicker size, and absence of visible cellulite. Then there’s The Intellectual Man, who’s looking for a woman with substance, class and a PHD. Am now totally depressed and certain will never be able to fully satisfy any man. Although, apparently my new bed-head hair will bring even the strongest man to his knee’s. Spent condsiderable part of day looking at hair in mirror and wondering who the fuck wakes up with hair like this?

Despite sought after bed-hair, the weather has turned to absolute shit and will possibly cause me to look like stupid ass and icicle. As such, I will have two drinks before arrival at party - for warming effect, and will take cardigan along and drape over arm in a manner that does not hide fabulous summer dress.

Also, have decided will arrive fashionably late. Will make grand Scarlett O’Hara type entrance and toss bed-head around seductively whilst doing model walk learnt in grade seven from Jess (She did two classes at the local modeling school). Will hopefully achieve unapproachably beautiful status that models speak of, causing Paul to approach me in case of other law officers capturing me first.

Saw Paul in his driveway on the way to work this morning. Was very strong and managed to refrain from throwing self at the world’s hottest law enforcement officer. Only offered him polite smile in hope of igniting raging flame of love or lust for me. Ashamed to admit am now using mum’s ‘treat them mean and keep them keen’ philosophy, but felt very proud all the same, as he was vagrantly flaunting his sex-pot uniform and gun holster.

Am slightly upset at a strange dream I had in which I am imprisoned in a gaol cell in my bikini. Paul’s there doing paperwork and other police stuff - just ignoring me, like I’m a fat criminal. Thank God it was only a dream.

Also, had lunch with Lynn at work today. Was impossible to avoid as she followed me through the shopping mall. Spent entire lunch break talking shit, as was absolutely terrified if I gave her time to focus she would see gaol dream in mind and tell me I was desperate bikini slut. Very tired by end of lunch. So glad lunch was over.

Was very happy when Eric picked up Ella after school today, as he informed me he and the nanny-whore were having troubles. Will have mini-celebration toast tonight to rejoice in ex-husband’s doomed post marital relationships.

Have decided I will now be free spirit, as Lynn at work has apparently been picking up vibes of confusion and despair from me. Not sure why she would get that idea, but am slightly concerned as cannot hide anything from mind-reading know-it-all. Suspect she may be reading my coffee cups after I use them, as such, will now make sure I wash everything I use – including teaspoons.

I can confirm Jess is obsessed with oldest friend in world and my future house guest. Wants to know exact words in email and has offered to give him Rick’s home office if I have no room for him. Is possibly stuck in 1990 when she dated him for two months in high school.

Also am very good mother, as spared Ella from years of shame and taunting by dousing her in enough chemicals to prove clean and school worthy today.

Am so excited about Saturday, was able to walk 4 kilometres after coffee with Jess. Will soon be sought after svelte little vixen. Can’t wait.

I am now officially the town louse-breeder - thanks to my beautifully clean and hygienic child announcing itchy headedness to class teacher, who then announced it to the headmistress. As such, it was recommended I pick her up to avoid a mass infestation of the entire school and surrounding community.

Quality time spent de-lousing Ella made me realize what's important in life. As such, have decided two new rules:

Will stop Ella using my hairbrush.
Will forget about men and dating for a while.

As if to test my new resolution, Paul called around to invite me to a party at his house on Saturday night. Was very excited to see such raw manliness at front door, and as such, forgot I had foaming Lice killer on my head and completely forgot about new not dating rule. Will consider starting it next week - after the party.

Also, Jess is asking lots of questions about oldest friend in world. Wonder if Rick is pissing her off now he's forty. Will probe her more when we have coffee tomorrow.

Have fabulous news today. Am thrilled that oldest friend in the world is coming home next week after ten years in England. Has asked to stay with me for a few weeks while getting set up. Am very excited and as such, did frenzied dance around lounge room to 'Flashdance' song on radio and also managed to move three heavy boxes of Eric's from the spare room into the garden in preparation for arrival of long lost high school friend.

Downside is I only have until next Thursday - that's only eight days not including today and Thursday.

SHIT.

Realise for second time in whole life that I have turned into boring, lonely old cow. Will be very busy now getting skinny, cleaning house and finding appropriate boyfriend in eight days.

Oh and must remember to call Eric before it rains.

Attempts to find good, strong and sexy men have resulted in horrid serial dating behaviour. Have made total fool of self with binge dating. As result, will now:

Only date extremely spunky male members of species
Stop getting drunk before, after or during date.
Not care if Paul (neighbour) has a bevy of sexy vixens traipsing in and out his house at all hours.
Stop Ella from talking to said neighbour about my dates.

Also, must stop asking Lynn, the psychic at work if every date is my dream date.