Almost Liberated

Realise have acted like faithful, well-fed puppy, waiting for Paul to make next move. Must face possibility that there is no ‘next move’. Feel more and more that fabulous date was nothing more than just drinks with shit-hot neighbour. Am obviously in very bad mental state, as keep checking if someone is knocking at door – even Jack is staying quiet about whole thing and being very sweet and kind to me. Is actually nice to have someone worry I might be going mad.

Also despite her fake niceness last week, I suspect Lynn has taken to gossiping about me at work, as I overheard client saying “ Oh! That is just piggish”. Wanted to ask what is so piggish about eating fruit-jellies as you work? But instead went straight to bathroom and looked in mirror at ass – should not have done this, as can now understand why rich and famous have very own personal trainer and surgeon.

Have organized emergency lunch with Jess tomorrow. Expect will feel much better after that.

Had super fantastic weekend! Spending date-time with sexy policeman has bought out best in me. Am full of radiance and zest. Have been smiling at people in shops, cars, and even petrol station owners. Am very lucky, as have been bestowed with sexiest neighbour and soulmate on Earth.

Only hitch about date on Friday, was guilt at accidently spilling drinks on Jack. He was very nice about it and kept saying it doesn’t matter, despite having very pissed off look on his face. He had to leave my date early - will try to be more careful with alcoholic spillage in future.

Also, Lynn has started saying nice things to me, like ‘You don’t look a day over 25’. Am unsure if this is due to new radiant outlook, but am pleased by such comments – even if a lie. Is perhaps good telepathist after all.

Am very huffy with Jack, he is insisting on coming on proper date with Paul. He’s acting like it’s not a date and is JUST drinks! Bloody smart-ass.

“Date? What gave you that idea?” He laughed
“This is not high school Jack he doesn’t have to say ‘Oooh Sara will you come on a date with me?”
“Ok then, but why ask me on ‘the date’?”
“He was only being polite – he doesn’t really want YOU there ”
“Well he can tell me himself then can’t he?” he said, all cocky and English.

Am now wondering if it’s possible to LOCK shithead in bathroom for entirety of date?

Anyway, had successful shopping day and found fabulous red spaghetti-strap dress with Latin dancing theme – will look like spicy Cha Cha dancer (except cannot Cha Cha). Once I have the miracle bra, I will be desirable, busty dance partner.

Can’t wait for my miracle bra and the new me!

I think Paul has just asked me on an official date!!

He said “Would you like to come out for a few drinks on Friday?” Was done in a very casual manner, as was also asking Jack. But did look directly at me when he said ‘you’.

Because this is a very important and sexy date, I shall ask Jack to refuse the invite or else be my driver and then piss off once at the pub.

Also, have ordered new miracle bra filled with baby oil – will make me into beautiful and sought-after model type . Am hoping desperately that it arrives before proper date.

Will now telephone Jess and organize shopping trip for cop-date.

Am very tired, but have managed to hide dopey eyes (window to soul), with heavy handed kohl applicaton. Think might have achieved dark-haired Bridget Bardot look. Just have to fix hair, then will take Ella to school.

Had trouble sleeping. Am sick of job, Lynn and being alone. Cannot stand idea of being celibate old maid.

Due to soulmate debacle, have been ignoring Jack and treating him like distant, unpopular relative. I suspect he may be regretting his double-crossing ways, as he keeps offering help with household chores and heavy lifting duties (wet clothes basket).

Also, Paul keeps casting rougish blue eyes in direction of my house – causing impure thoughts and hopes that sexy law enforcer might be doing stake-out on me.

Had lunch with Jess, but was really annoyed as Lynn spotted us in the café and jostled her telepathic ass into a seat. She then ordered EXACTLY what I was going to order. I stared at her speechless. She pretended to smile, all innocent and peachy.

“I know” She chuckled “I’m a little piggy” Did she just call me Piggy?
“No! No! You’re so skinny” Jess protested.
“I normally don’t have time for such a big meal” Lynn oozed, looking directly at me. Yup - She called me pig.

Decided then, that I would have to order roots and leaves to debunk filthy food-whore reputation. Spent the rest of the day regretting eating like small underfed rabbit and thinking of large meaty sausage I would devour on the way home

Have lost control of destiny and life. Cannot believe I stayed up until after midnight drinking and talking to Jack. Not only am I no closer to having a properly planned destiny, but I have taken to leaking confidential information when under the influence of alcohol, like telling Jack that I think Paul is my soulmate. Arrgh.

Was then very shocked when I arrived home from work, to see Jack and Paul talking to each other over the fence. Felt like running over and shouting at them not to talk to each other when I’m not present. Instead went inside and tried to peer through blinds in lounge room to see or hear if they were talking about me. Was only able to see them laughing and have best of time – probably talking about soulmate shit.

Saturday was complete let-down. Spent all my money on expensive meats and curly salad stuff only to find out Paul couldn’t make it. Jess, Rick and Jack all thought I was caring and lavish hostess, when really was just very irresponsible and poor woman.

Also, Jess is like an out of control teenager. She is staring starry-eyed at Jack all the time and laughing at unfunny jokes - she also sat opposite him at dinner table. Am concerned for her spousal realtions and will try to discourage any future Jack-worship. Although, will be no easy task, as Rick can be a boring old fart.

Got awful fright from Lynn today, as she has taken to sneaking up behind me and doing sly telepathetic readings. Was informed that I must be very wary of someone close to me who is holding me back and will only end up hurting me. She said I need to break free from them if I am ever to find happiness. This surely is breach of other-worldly code or telepathists ethic? Am I truly destined to be lonely old maid without a friend in the world?

Anyway, although scared to directly confront underhanded telepathist, was sufficiently pissed to send ‘go to hell’ vibe for rest of day.

Spoke to Jess on the phone and she said not worry, because I’m in charge of my own destiny, I can change any prophesy that Lynn makes, even if it were true. She also asked if Jack was home.

As such, will now take charge of my destiny. Will have drink and plan own destiny tonight.

Despite best efforts to be good friend, walked right past oldest friend in world at airport. Forgot 10 years had passed and was looking for awkward and lanky scruff ….. Got fright of life when tall mysterious Englishman called my name. Even with new la-di-da voice, I knew straight away it was Jack. Did awkward airport kiss-n-hug thing – as felt like villager grabbing member of royal family.

Ended up having very late night, due to Jack being on British time, and insisting on cracking funny jokes in snotty English accent. Am very tired today.

Invited Jess and Rick for bbq tonight. Was possibly not best idea, as Jess is going ga-ga at thought of seeing Jack again. Am not going to worry about it, will surely pass.

Wonder if Paul is home tonight? Would be polite to ask him to bbq.

Left the house this morning feeling hot and heady due to sight of bronzed, muscular figure shoveling soil into wheelbarrow next door. When dropping Ella to school, was able to smile cheerily at rugged gardener, despite wearing pitiful fat pants and fighting impulse to rub hand on strong, but dirty arm.

Due to such brazen flesh flaunting, spent rest of morning in house devising legitimate reasons to wander outside dressed in favourite mini-skirt. Was able to parade to mailbox when letters arrived, but wasted effort on postman with handlebar moustache, as Paul was not there when I went out.

Have come to conclusion that I must be very immature or mad, as only teenager or mental person would act like that and not do chores to prepare for oldest friend in world.

Will now have to face Jack (oldest friend) with smutty/sick house and mind. Ugh. Must go to airport now. Am going to fill head with clean thoughts and focus on being good friend.

Wonder is it good or bad that soulmate missed mini-skirt display?